So here I am.I really should frequent this place a little bit more ,considering all the gusto that went into it's making.Besides, it's one of those things that all mine, no one can stake any claim.All they could probably say is their's is the way they might have inspired me or affected me or rankled me, and it got poured into MY writings.So there goes it!

I have been reading, no judging ,nothing, just trying the new things I like.But one good thing has definitely happened.You know how people sometimes ask you "what's your kind of music?" or "Whom do you like reading?" and some people never know because to be honest it could be a little difficult to figure out these answers ,because you essentially also need to understand yourself.
So I think I have found my author.Yay! for that.She is a relatively unknown author, I guess it;s just her second book that is out.She goes by Holly Schumas. It started with me buying her second book first 'Love and other Natural Disasters'.I got so engrossed and fascinated by how real Eve was, I was glad someone finally tore down the general human nature to the finest levels of simplicity yet retaining all the complications which make us up.
I then ordered her first book off amazon ,"Five Things I Cannot Live Without".The protagonist Nora has to be ME.I mean she must have to be me ,a) the meta-life she lives in her head ?Well, Hello! b) She is fickle,confused at 29, impulsive and vulnerable and still stubborn .I felt I was actually reading about me, well that won't happen ,no one would want to buy a book on me.But the point is, it was a good feeling and also very freaky how eerily close we both are.
Even after finishing that book,she stayed on for a while.I like the crisp smell of paper of a new book, the journey you are going to go on with the characters, the nice escape from everything around you, the readiness to be inspired,surprised!
I have now started reading Jennifer Lancaster's 'Bitter is the New Black".This is a la Sex and the City and the protagonist ,incidentally Jen herself, could be anyone :Carrie,Samantha,Miranda or Charlotte, given the heavy designer setting ,but I am close to halfway into it and I ain't revealing anything ,don't want to be a spoiler.Oh and I also ordered Mark Haddon's "A Spot of Bother".I loved his "The Curios Incident of the Dog at Night Time".I am looking forward to reading it once Jen finishes her story.
I also went camping,a week back.That was really good.I enjoyed it,no tick bites so far,it was all I could have hoped for.I am looking forward to more campings.Today is Mother's day.I wished my ma but I have been missing her a lot since some days now.It will be 2 freaking years in july since I felt her warmth,her nice tummy and seen how beautiful she is.I cry sometimes, out of helplessness.And then stupid horrible life happens, and sucks me in it's over-powering everyday rigmarole.
But I will survive and come back here!

So things have been okay! I have not answered a fabulous or great to a 'How are you?' in a long time and I think I feel much better answering its been good,not bad! This allows me to be discreet and truthful at the same time and gives away my general,over-all well-being perfectly.
I have watched a lot of good movies, one or two I watched again to just recollect just how excellent they were and how they deserve a special mention in my blog.Case in point is 'Monsoon Wedding'.Mira Nair is a genius,the way she ties so many story lines in this essentially huge Indian 'arranged-wedding' affair is incredible and pure magic.The family dynamics of a rich Indian family from Delhi, with the basic family bonding of a numerous uncles,aunts,nieces,nephews, the typical 'Dubeyji' like characters of real Delhi,making a living out of arranging weddings for the ultra rich and elite,talking them into spending more, the crass talk and gossip with his minions,the beautiful love story between the maid and the event manager,Delhi captured in all it's stunning realness ,the distorted image of happiness and fake contentment...I could go on.I think it's one of the best movies,it's more like an art.Each time I see something this brilliant I envy not being one of those involved in churning out masterpiece after masterpiece.I wish I were not just watching,I wish I made one one day!

And the other movie I am raving about is a spanish film,'María llena eres de gracia'(Maria Full 0f Grace) by director Joshua Marston. I have to say the protagonist Maria might be one of my most admired individuals, played so perfectly by the stunning Catalina Sandino Moreno.What grace ,beauty,crippling pressure to flee from a stifling small existence,what courage considering the background of the small Columbian town and the small confines,what a blend of beauty and vulnerability.I think it is one of the best films, it is kind of under-played,it let's the characters grow and capture you ,it does not grow bigger than the power of the characters, it is scary but it does not rely on grotesque scenes or violent images to do that.It just makes you feel.I would recommend it to every film buff who swears by a good film.(Thanks you ! for showing it to me)

I have started maintaining a small journal of events, sometimes I get sad looking at all the cynical and pessimistic entries but then I cannot fake anything else.I want my entries to follow a natural course, it makes them real.

I am going to have some tea, pat the dog, clean some, get ready for the weekly ritual to start with a Monday!

dusting the laziness and the languor off this sad remnants of what I had once started,like so many other endeavors of mine which always start with a lot of enthusiasm and end abruptly without even the dying sigh they are entitled to.I do not understand what's this peculiar trait in me, to never take anything to completion.

Well I will try this time.I have been quiet,occasionally crying,out of bouts of an all-consuming weakness, separation,sad images ,desperate clinging to the past and the other infamous trait in me to create a reason to feel down.I think I let myself be taken easy and soft and downright pessimist sometimes.Well for anyone who has the potential to turn into a snap judger,I have to clarify that I am not unhappy,I am just cynical,but I do not shut myself out to the smaller happier events of life.I instinctively tend to think people might not mean good ,but at the same time I am the one who somehow magically knows when a person's vibes could be a genuine kindness or love.
I have fallen in and out of love sometimes, but I think I have mostly stayed on in love long after the real thing was over,sometimes from my side,very less from their's.I sometimes ruminate on what a wonderful ,whole lot of love we shared in this finite space and time continuum.
I have been reading some books,people's minds,sometimes even when they did not like it,reading subtle hints from things around me,have been having plans of doing somethings,writing a book,sharing my love stories(of course no one would read them if I wrote under my own name), have been thinking of marriage...wow I have to stop on this one...I have to confess publicly,I am getting ready..I feel I am.I am going to be 26 in another month and hormonal powers are taking over.Hmm...ya I have planned,a boy, a girl and mebbe an adopted kid.sigh :)
right now I am talking to surekha...I love that girlfriend of mine...I feel she is so secure in herself,she is so serene and her vibes all the way from India make me feel so special and loved.I think i am happy...i will trail off into quietness and try to come back here for often,not for anyone,for my own sake...

A reasonably okay day!

So after a long time, I actually sat down studied the whole day and felt happy,not guilty.I still had that layer of perpetual worries eating me away but for a change they were not the most important things I had to worry about.I actually had a good satisfying day.I woke up late, had my cup of tea, studied, had Indian food, chatted with the nicer people and was also sometimes drifting away to unseen ,magical lands.

But I asked someone a question a day back, and it was not answered but I now my mind is more curious now not so much about the answer than if someone does really understand the whole situation which made mw ask that.
Well, we really cannot get everything out of people,or relationships.We just get what we deserve and sometimes a little more than it too.(sometimes less too, but I sincerely think I am not in the league of those fictitious women who wrote to Greg expressing their concerns if "he really was into them" or not!)

I am waitin for my finals to get over, cause feels like there is a lot more going to happen, a lot of changes which I have not yet anticipated or even thought of.I have to be much stronger then.
Hope I see myself through some of 'those' much feared times!

rueful writings..

Sometimes when I am alone in my room, in my completely disheveled room,( where a lot of dreams lie crushed and crumpled along with the clothes from yest or from the day before, where a lot of quiet sighs can be heard if one listened carefully enough, where you can also see some wet tears on the pillow cases from the crying I did last night if one looked hard enough for the tiny bedbugs which have made our lives impossible), I feel so strangely at peace with the eerie,ringing loneliness,helplessness,the looming uncertainty,the mess of heartbreaks, the silent accusations and the happiness tugging at me alongside too. I just throw my tiredness, my distress and my jacket and bag to a corner into a clumsy lump when I get back home, and lie down in the dark, thinking about nothing. So much has been happening, from the fall of a country's economy on which somehow I was banking (I would like to digress here and say I never really banked on an economy ,period.) to the whole 'I-left-him-for-him' guilt eating away my conscience to the everyday waking up to nothing,zilch. So much has been also fading into insignificance at the same time. Like undue worrying won't take me or you or us anywhere, life is following a certain pattern, which is beyond our understanding.We just happen to be witnessing some rough edges of it.And I don't think I want to preach by assuming things will be fine, for things will definitely not be bad forever.Everything has it's turn, good and bad.While we cry over here on our exams and everyday life in a foreign country, I cannot even imagine myself being in the place of those who are loosing their loved ones this very second, those who are poor and have nowhere and no one to turn to.I mean,this is the way things are!
And it's not like I am trying to sit here on a pedestal and give a sermon.
I might just finish writing this, go upstairs to my room and cry.Cry because I miss being a child to two grown-ups who could just take care of me and end my daily fight, cry out of longing to get away and not being able to because I do not have money, cry because I have no clue of what am I going to do once I am done with school.
I want to get done with studies, exams ,yes, but with school coming to an end,it will also mean the end of a time of familiarity and spoon-feeding and the forceful letting go off things you knew to things unknown.And despite what all the great self-help books proclaim, who isn't scared of the unknown?
And those guilt trips make things worse.It's been a while now.I did do what people are making out of the whole thing, but I did not fall out of love.I cannot and should not defend myself here, but I need someone to know that I did not mean to repeat a jinx, I did not mean to lower his self-esteem.I just realized a few things, and I feel bad it involved two people.I am sorry, I feel bad...

But as I write this, and think of so many things at the same time, it also dawns on me that all said and done, life has a very magical quality.It just suddenly elevates your mood and alleviates the immediate concerns,if not permanently,but long enough to make you happy.What can match the happiness at the prospect of a good lunch after a hungry long day, a good warm shower, a good happy,loving message or a simple I love you!.Nothing can.

So, it basically boils down to one thing- life is a pattern of things which have been happening and which will happen.We are not the exceptions, we might be some rules though.We might be some jinxes too,hmm!

so, what's been happening with me, inside me, around me, in my world, in their worlds....God,I got no clue.I am losing track of time, I have forgotten the meaning of my existence, I feel like an intangible, thick layer has seared me from the world I would ideally ,perpetually like to be in.The world where dreaming hopelessly,about hopeless silly little things does not cost anyone time or money, where no one stifles you with their aggressiveness and complications..where one can just sit watching the sky,the winds heading a direction,stirring the leaves gently on their way, where I can take a long road trip in a old, creaky tiny car, head to the beach on a cold,rainy day and watch the quite sea-side houses ,the porches and the carved pumpkins waiting for the trick or treaters....hmm...How I wish !!
I have no clue when my days melt into my painfully long and at the same time short nights.I have forgotten how my mother feels like,to be held and snuggled against.I miss the tiny doorways corridors of my crampy apartment home ,back in India. I miss the times of useless banter, a whole day of doing absolutely nothing.Yes nothin..
..I lost my zeal to write....givin up on it now..

I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
My day is done
But I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Maybe just happy

Think I'm just happy..

(Lyrics from 'Dumb' by Nirvana)

hmm... simple words, and yet weighed down by the price of finding one's self ,finding what one wants..